Thursday, August 18, 2016

Birth Story

The Birth Story of Selah Rose- born July 31, 2016 1:22 p.m.


My life had been challenging to date.  I had a history of physical and verbal abuse, and an obviously strained relationship with my mother and family.  We had moved to Washington about a year before I found out I was pregnant.  It was a huge surprise, and one I had not welcomed.  
I was always terrified of becoming my mother, and ending up abusing my child like she had abused me.  I knew I would have to struggle to work past these issues, and it was the most frightening thing I could imagine.  The first few months of the pregnancy were dark, and I was very depressed.  I eventually moved past most of these feelings by 12 weeks but some nagged me for the entirety of the pregnancy.  I had cried to my midwives many many times, and expressed my pain from my past and fear of the future.  I knew that a history of abuse can rear its ugly head in labor, sometimes stall it, and also start your child’s life with fear and trepidation.  I did not want this to happen to me, and I worked HARD, for the entire pregnancy, to heal enough to get through this experience.  It was the hardest 9 months of my life.



I had always wanted a natural birth, but after becoming a doula, I wanted it even more.  When we first looked at this house, I saw the deck and thought, “if I ever have a child… this is where I will have it.”  I pictured an unassisted birth on my deck, in a tub, overlooking this incredible view.  Although more often than not, when I would talk about this, people would say, “ONE WORD. EPIDURAL.  You’ll see!”  I just kept on with my vision, planning it with precision and preparing everything I would need to safely deliver my own child 35 minutes from a hospital.  I used Ina May books, meditation, calm preparation and positive images.  The truth is, I was excited to labor, and experience this, but until the day she was born, I struggled to feel excited or positive about the baby after the labor.  This was something I was honest about, but struggled with, and felt guilty about.
I had been having painless contractions for about 2.5 weeks, but always figured it wasn’t the real thing because as people had told me, “you’ll know.  They’ll hurt.”  However, on July 30th, at about 9:00 p.m., after a particularly hormonal night, I began having my normal painless contractions.  I thought nothing of it, until I realized they were a little more consistent than they normally were.  I began timing them.  I timed them sitting down, standing up, on a ball, moving around, and then finally in bed.  They grew in intensity, little by little, but I could never say that they hurt.  I didn’t call anyone, and told Michael to sleep with his ear plugs in, to get good rest.  We went to bed around 2:00, and I didn’t really fall asleep for a while, and only slept for about an hour and a half, waking every so often with a contraction.  Until 4:30 a.m… when I woke to a contraction that took some focus.  I rode through it, using my birthing noises, and then got out of bed with the clear awareness that it was probably time to notify my midwives.  I called one and talked to her about the details, and proceeded to let her go back to sleep since the directions were to “call her when I can’t speak through them”.  
I took a shower, got dressed, made a bowl of cereal and some coffee and proceeded to enjoy labor alone.  Michael came down shortly after, and we just turned on gentle music and chatted softly.  I felt so centered, so peaceful and at ease with my husband.  We felt certain it was time, despite the fact that I still could not say my contractions hurt.  I felt surges of energy, gently waving through my body, and leaving me with a deep sense of peace and pleasure unlike anything I had ever felt.  My doula had been notified and was on her way- she arrived around 6:30 a.m.  We went for a walk down to see the animals, and I had a strong contraction while standing in the donkey pasture.  I held on to the gate, and dropped into a squat and let out strong noises with it.  The sweet donkeys came over to nuzzle me after.  



I loved knowing that my animals knew what was happening.  Nature is so universal and connected.  “Mama donkey” as we call her, is 20 years old and has had many babies.  She has always been so sensitive to me, and in love with my belly since she arrived here.
We then slowly made our way up the hill to the house.  My contractions began to speed up after that, and get a lot stronger.  I sat on my ball and really began to focus.  Beautiful, serene and utterly peaceful music was playing and I remember feeling so high.  I was so blessed to be able to be home, in my clothes, and able to process this labor with only loved and loving people around me.  Michael was with me from the very beginning of the real labor, watching me with soft eyes and smiling at me when I would look at him.  I felt protected, tended to and loved entirely, and my midwives hadn’t even arrived yet!  There are not adequate words for the kind of peace I felt through this entire labor.  As I let the early contractions flow through me, I was constantly welling up with tears.  The music suited the day perfectly and my mind was so focused on the honor I was feeling to be experiencing this, and I could not stop feeling it deeply.  



I remember when my song, “The Story” by Brandi Carlisle began to play, I was rocking on my ball, and Michael sat in front of me. The first time I heard this song, I was maybe two weeks pregnant, and I stopped everything I was doing to listen to the words. It was the perfect song for my relationship with Michael, and it always makes me cry. A contraction rushed through me as some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard played, and I fell into his arms.  Tears streamed down my face I kissed him, held my forehead to his, felt the music flow through me, and rocked with him as he rubbed my legs perfectly slowly.  I’ve never felt so in love in my life.  I welcomed each contraction, and with more pressure came more joy.  At this point, the contractions were strong but we were still laughing and joking in between.  I wanted to talk through the feelings of the contractions too.  I found discussing them very interesting in preparation for experiencing the next rush.  



Very early on, Michael was my rock.  I didn’t think about him in that way yet, because I was coping very well.  However, upon watching the videos, I realized how often I would look to him, call for him, gaze and smile at him.  He was everything for me.  If I would well up, he would well up, and if I would weep, we would weep together.  


The clouds were grey outside.  The air was cool and the breeze was soft.  I sat on the ball, and then the floor, right in front of the door.  The view of the mountains gave me strength early on, as I knew they would when planning this birth.  We started to discuss getting into the tub around 8:30 a.m.  The contractions were getting much stronger, and I was beginning to feel far more serious in between them.   The mobility I needed through the rushes was amazing.  I was always moving, and in a particularly strong contraction, I felt an incredible wave of pleasure and joy- falling into a loopy laugh at the top of the contraction.  The music playing at the time was a song I loved, and I fell into Michael's lap again, weeping after the laughter.  This is when we knew it was moving along well.  Michael held my head, combing my hair with his fingers, being incredible, as he was all day.  I felt so high and I absolutely loved the power my body was putting out with each contraction.  What an incredible ride, to feel a power of your own that even you have to muster all the energy you can to submit to.  I’ve never felt more feminine in my life.



At one point we read one of my affirmations. “I will have a birth that is so awesome, Morgan Freeman will have to narrate it.”  We laughed about how there should be a Morgan Freeman app to read anything you type into it.  
The contractions were notably stronger each time, which became more of a challenge for me, but I still enjoyed every rush.  My sounds became gradually lower, deeper and more animal.  My midwives eventually arrived, quietly sat down on the floor next to us, smiled and nodded upon hearing my moans.  I loved having their maternal, experienced and sensitive eyes protecting me.  It felt so safe, and at that point, I really knew my baby was coming.  
There was a particular moment I love watching.  I had a strong contraction- I laid back into my doulas arms, feeling Michael rubbing my legs.  I rested, and then felt my Mother.  The emotion of missing her rushed through me stronger than the contractions, and I gave in to the music and the power of the moment and let my head fall back as I wept.  It was only for a few seconds but I remember I knew I needed to submit to that, and feel the feeling, in order to progress in this labor.  The pain of those few seconds far outweighed the stronger contractions in that moment.  Submission in birth is the key to success in it.  




The dogs were loving the labor.  Samantha kept visiting to check on us.  She wagged her tail and looked so happy and at ease.  Zombie came and laid down in between me and my doula… and just loved us.  It was so peaceful to have my other kids there with me.  



At around 10 a.m. we moved to the tub outside on the deck.  My contractions were tougher, and we were thinking it would ease the pressure of the contractions- we were wrong.  As soon as I stepped into the tub, I felt as if I dilated so much faster.  The first contraction in the tub knocked me into oblivion for a second.  I remember saying “I THOUGHT IT WOULD FEEL BETTER! They lied!”  “Nature’s epidural my ass” is something I vaguely remember saying too.  Now I know it’s just because the relaxation of the water helped me dilate so much more, which was great.  
The freedom and mobility I felt in the tub was amazing.  I could move to different positions and rock with the contractions, violently if I wanted to, with ease.  It was wonderful.  When I got in, I laid back to wait for the next wave, and the midwives asked me, “how does the rain feel?”  I replied, “It feels like God.”  And it did- it felt like stars falling down around me, and like God was kissing me.  What an incredible moment to assure me everything was ok.  



My midwives held my hand and assured me I was coping wonderfully, and my doula kept telling me how strong I was.  They looked so proud of me.  It carried me through some of the tougher ones.  Michael’s eyes were so sensitive and full of love, and each person at my birth brought different affirmations for my journey.  

As the contractions kept on, my eyes grew more and more relaxed in between.  I would bug them out during contractions and look like a zombie, but then close them completely or look like I was in a trance in between them.  In the video, I look like it hurts, but up until transition, I can’t quite say they hurt.  It was a strong rush of energy and power, and it brought me to my knees in awe of my own body… and yes, in a way it hurt, but in another way, I just could not help but fall in love with my body with each wave I rode.  
I remember when it was time to vomit.  I felt it for minutes before it finally came, but when it did, I felt the rapid dilation and it blew my mind.  What a gift those vomit sessions were because although I only had two of them, I am convinced it knocked an hour or more off of my labor.  I felt my entire body open up.  This was not transition.



The breaks in between the contractions were incredibly peaceful.  At first the clouds were drifting over the mountains, and the rain was falling on us.  The breeze was so cool, and the sun hadn’t come out yet.  It felt like such an incredible gift to be home, and be facing mountains that were as old as time, really.  Mount Saint Helens had not come out yet, but we were waiting.
While my eyes were closed in a complete zone, the sun began to come out and my midwives leaned their heads back and basked in the sun with smiles on their faces.  I am so blessed to have the video because otherwise, I would not have been able to see how happy my whole team was the whole time.  I fell so in love with these women as I watched my video.
The contractions definitely grew in intensity, and my sounds grew as well.  There were times when I would shake, or vomit, or clench my fists- but I let my mouth open wide to keep everything loose, and I had moments of enjoyment in many of the contractions.  




Transition was less obvious for me than most, I believe.  I never had a moment where I felt I couldn’t do it, but there was a moment when I said, “I’m starting to have second thoughts.”  It made everyone chuckle and it still makes me laugh now.  I love how vague it was- I always knew I could do it, but in that moment, everything started to feel more difficult.  It was over quickly, and soon after, the urge to push would come, and blow me away.




The first time I felt the ‘urge to push’, the feeling was overwhelmingly intense and I would describe it as “vomiting out of my vagina.”  It was by far the most memorable sensation.  I was upright in the water, squatting, holding on to Michael when I really started to work with the contractions.  The sun was out.  Everyone was smiling and so giddy when I started to push.  The variation of sounds I would make as I pushed still make me laugh with a haunted humor.  I remember the sensation, and in part it makes me cringe, and in part I want to feel it again...  it was so powerful!
I think I had been pushing for 5-10 minutes when I requested my first dilation check.  I had not been checked at all until this point.  I immediately had a massive contraction during which I grunted “Your body is doing what it’s supposed to do” and “URGE TO PUSH URGE TO PUSH URGE TO PUSH OOOhhhhhhh….” so I am not sure why I felt the need to check, but my midwife confirmed that she felt the bag bulging.  Within minutes the next contraction hit and I felt my bags break.  POP!  I smiled blissfully in the midst of that contraction- so much work was done, and I yelled “YES I AM YES I AM” in response to my inner monologue of “you’re amazing, you can do this.”



The contractions were coming so hard and fast, and the sensations of pushing got so much stronger but I began to work with them more.  Grunting, moaning and “ooooh’ing” and the rest between the pushes were divine.  After a very animalistic contraction I nodded, high off my ass, and said, “right now I feel like I’m going to vomit out of my vagina, that’s what it feels like”, after which I said, “oh, emotions”, and immediately “This isn’t that hard” as I cried and then “Stay strong baby”, to Michael.
I looked up at the sky, saw the sun, knew how blessed I was and said, “I feel so honored.”  A feeling I still remember amidst the vivid memories of discomfort, but I love it so much, and it still holds true.  
Alison Krauss was playing as we rested, my midwives smiling and gazing over the mountains. Michael held me and me, and we prepared for the next wave.  



Finally, a contraction made me scream.  More of a wail, really.  I panted after the scream, and said, “it’s such an out of control feeling.”  I then laid forward into Michael’s chest and moaned, “I need a break.”  But immediately another contraction came- but I just submitted to that one.  It’s amazing that after an expression of exhaustion, sometimes you find the strength to fall into them deeper and deeper, rather than fight anything, and that’s when labor does it’s best work.



The next contraction:  Blew my mind.  I moaned, grunted, wailed, and breathed so deeply and let out an exhausted “yes!” and “Come on headdddd”.  “It’s not stopping, it’s not stopping” “why won’t it stop?” as it lasted a solid 2 minutes 14 seconds.  After that contraction, I laid back in the tub to rest.
The contractions kept coming but as I moaned “Come down baby, wiggle wiggle wiggle, please work for me” we knew it was almost time.  “Selah, it’s going to be so easy baby, come on.”  “Gentle gentle, soft and wide, breathe baby breathe” I moaned as the head crowned.  I remember hearing the things I would say to moms as I supported them through labor, and I just said it to myself.  



My midwife said, “Do you want to reach down and touch her head?”  So I did, and her head slid back in after which my eyes bulged and I pulled back at the startling feeling and said, “IT MADE IT GO BACK IN.”  
“Soft and wide, soft and wide” I grunted as the head kept coming.  “Breathe DOWN Breathe down breathe down”- She just kept coming.  I continued to smile amidst the pain, and coached myself, “Stretch stretch stretch, YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT.”  





Finally, the head was almost out.  “Come on BABY, WIGGLE OUT!”  “Oooooopen up ooooopen up” I moaned as I imagined the most grotesquely open and enormous vagina.  “Come on Mama, you can do it”, as I doula’d myself.  Michael sat between my legs, stroking my shins gently and waited for his daughter.  His strength amazed me.  He was so gentle the whole time.
As the widest part of her head emerged I said, “CLITORIS, OH SHIT” because I’m convinced there is no other way to describe that feeling.  



I remember at this point, Michael looked at me and said, "babe, the clouds cleared and the mountain just came out." I did not look to see, but it felt like God telling me that she was almost here. It was amazing.
“You’re doin in, you’re doin it” I told myself out loud.  I let out an animal growl, a wail, and as the contraction released, I realized her head was almost out but not quite and I shook my head and said, “I’ll just wait here.”  Everyone laughed loudly.  
Then, in one solid slow consistent moan, “YOU CAN DO ANYTHING” I growl and then the head was out.  In between those contractions I smiled, laughed and said, “She’s so happy.”  I felt her head turning and wiggling between my legs and the memory of feeling her there still makes me cry.  



Minutes pass and the next swell hit- I let out a relaxed moan, let my butt lift and float as her body slid out so easily, it still amazes me.  It was so quiet, peaceful and easy in that moment.  






Michael caught her, pulled her out of the water and gave her to me.  I pulled her to my chest and held her calmly... and then the moment really hit me, when I started shaking and came back into reality. "What just happened?" With bugged eyes, I asked my birth team. "You just had a baby, girl!" My face in this photo sums up how I was feeling pretty perfectly.




But as I held her close, and let it all set it, the joy flooded over me. “Oh my god, it’s exactly what I thought it would be!”  





There, in the safety and solace of our home, overlooking our mountains and animals, Selah Rose was born exactly as I dreamed she would be- and miraculously, it was the most joyous moment of my life.  I had been told that I was ‘crazy’ for planning a home birth for my first, and that we were just crazy hippies for planning a fantasy birth like this.  “It will never happen just as you plan”- but it did.  It was everything I had hoped for.  It was the most beautiful, perfect and healing day of my life.  Labor was challenging, but my life has been so adventurous, so full of challenges, that I still cannot say this was my greatest accomplishment, or even the hardest thing I’ve done.  But it put me back together again, after 30 years of brokenness… and the love that I didn’t know I was capable of now overwhelmed me.  



Although the placenta contractions came upon me immediately, I wept and held her close as she snuggled and cried.  The placenta came out after about 15 minutes of strong contractions, and as it slid out I sighed in relief and said, “Now that’s fucking success right there.”  
The peace between us, Michael and I, as we sat in the tub, surrounded by the best team I could ask for, as we held our tiny little wonder- with the breeze kissing us and the sun blessing us, was everything I had planned, hoped and dreamed of.  It was otherworldly, and perfect.  

I am forever beyond grateful to my amazing husband Michael who vocally and strongly supported my birth rights and wishes, and advocated for me firmly. You are the strongest man I have ever known, and you have made me a stronger woman than I ever thought I could be. Thank you for trusting me with the birth of our daughter. I love you more today than ever before.



To my friend Casey, who took these amazing photographs- thank you from the bottom of my heart for the gift of your talent and for capturing the most beautiful day of my life so perfectly.  

Last but not least, to my midwives... you women are the reason I so fearlessly followed through on my hippy dippy dreams.  I am truly forever thankful for your belief in me, your experienced hands and your sensitive souls.  You listened to so many hours of my pain, my tears and my fears, and you were mothers when I had none.  Thank you for encouraging me to walk into motherhood as fearlessly as I was entering into birth.  My daughter has a better mother today, because of you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for every moment I could spend with the three of you.  You will never really know how much you've changed my life.  




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