I recently came upon a blog post written by a friend of mine. The gist was whether or not it is sensitive, or even good to express publicly or loudly, your joy of being pregnant. The concern, I believe we should all feel, to be sensitive to the issues of women in the context of motherhood is not only "nice" but it is absolutely necessary.
As soon as I log onto Facebook, I am bombarded by large bellies with happy looking women attached to them. They hold their tummies, and gaze with a happy, dreamy look on their faces... and every so often there's a nice big picture of their ultrasound as well. Now, there are plenty of reasons to do this very thing (which I'm sure any pregnant woman reading this has done). I can understand, the joy you must be feeling and the overwhelming urge to tell everyone you know, or don't know, about it. Especially if you are married, the wave of "Congratulations!" is instantly sent to you, and you must feel so good. With every post, you get another wave of well wishes, congrats and prayers. This is a "good thing" I believe, but the question is, should it be public?
An experience of miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility is by far, one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life. This is not a theory, this is fact. We were created to bear children, and a strong desire, or even need to do so has been planted in each of us, whether in a small dose or very large. If for some reason, we are incapable of this, or have lost a child, that need or desire does not go away. I speak from personal experience, as I lost my child years back to miscarriage after 2.5 months of pregnancy. I remember the instant overwhelming and dizzying joy of the news, and I still clearly remember that first day of singing to, dreaming of and talking to my tiny, unborn dear about how much I loved him or her. To any inexperienced onlooker, I was just "pregnant" with no signs of a child inside of me, and it really doesn't strike many people to consider the emotional bond that is formed upon the immediate realization of a child being inside of you. From that very moment on, I was a mother.
I also clearly remember the day I lost my child, and how much I died inside. I remember the pain that knocked me to my knees of something being torn out of me. It happened like a tidal wave, and instantly, everything had changed. In the bathroom, I discovered, I was no longer pregnant and held my child in my hands as I fell apart inside. I buried my child that day, and wept with everything I was.
I was not the same woman for a long time. A part of me had died, and to this day, I remember my child and every moment I had him or her with me. I don't remember a "fetus", and I don't remember a problem... I remember my baby.
I am now married to a wonderful man who helps me to look forward to our own children, and who in his love has helped to heal that hole inside of me that the death of my baby left. In this conservative world, in which I live, a pregnancy in marriage is far more accepted, congratulated and even valued than one that is out of wedlock. I know that if my husband and I are blessed with our own natural born children, then that will be wonderful- and if we aren't blessed with that, then we will be adopting children who have no other hope for a home (and sometimes that gives my heart more joy to dream about than my natural children).
If you are sitting there, reading this, with your own children around you, or one in your belly, I ask you to consider yourself an equal to any woman who has lost her child. Consider yourself, not "blessed" but part of a community of women. If you are in fact, a part of that community, do you really want to ignore the pain that surrounds so many women's experiences of their own pregnancy? Understanding and empathizing with the pain of another, should not at all decrease your own joy... so why turn a blind eye and remain ignorant and uncaring to the struggles of others?
When I tell someone about losing my child, on many occasions, they furrow their brows and say "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then without hesitating, they shift uncomfortably and change the topic. As much as pregnancy and childbirth are just a part of life- so is the loss that so many women experience.
On the topic of it being publicized- I have one question. Is it any personal accomplishment to become pregnant? Is it or is it not something that many many many people, including irresponsible adolescents, can make happen? Just a thought... your pregnancy is not special to anyone outside your intimate circle. Something I have learned in wedding planning: Your joyful time is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. In fact, very few people genuinely care. It it just a part of life, and although special to you, may bring intense pain to someone else, so is it 100% necessary to publicize? I waited a long time to marry my husband, and all the bragging posts about engagements after months of dating were not only a joke to me, but incredibly painful. Even though I am married now, the pain has not gone away now that all I see are pregnant women. It is only in the recent four decades that pregnancy is public and openly discussed, and I find it fascinating that now pregnancy is as outspoken as it is... this is very new and relatively nonsensical. Is it possible that we may be using social networking to the detriment of women dealing with heartache around us? In closing, all I ask is that if you are in the midst of your own joyful times, please consider the loss that so many people/women are experiencing but not able to express so openly. Your growing belly is wonderful for you, and also a dagger through so many weeping hearts. We want to sing and dance with you about your baby, but we also ask for understanding. That is what the community of women should be about. We should hold hands and dance together when a child is born, and also hold each other and weep together when a child is lost. In the memory of so many children who have died and the mothers who have buried them- freely celebrate your own joy but please remember what memories and losses may be reawakened every time you post it publicly.
