The worst year of my life is now over. 29. It was intense. It began as I prepared for the last 4 months with my Mother. She was diagnosed 2 months after my wedding day, and she would pass on and out of my life the day after my 2nd anniversary. Just as every birthday before it, she sang happy birthday, only this time with a muffled voice due to her lack of breath, and she ended with "and many more" as she always had. I knew it was probably the last time, and just like the 28th birthday before it, I savored every moment of that song and held back tears of pain.
That would be the last time I would hear her sing Happy Birthday to me. That would be the last time I told her what my birthday plans would be, and share my cake with her. That would be the last year I would have with my Mom. An extraordinarily painful time was coming to a close. 29 was tough. 29 was the year I would bury my Mother. It was the year I would lose all of but two members of my family due to dishonesty, backbiting and horrible gossip. It would be the year I struggled with my marriage due to grief, pain and loss of a huge part of myself. It would be the year I questioned everything I live for, everything I had and everything I've done. It was hard, in every way.
However, it was also the year I would find out what I was really made of. It would be the year I built my marriage up out of it's darkest times to date. It would be the year I rid my life of toxic people, and it would shine bright with clarity after the the toxic were thrown out and the very few devoted friends and family remained. It would be the year I found my first horse, and also found my second, truly a 30 year old dream come true! It would be the year I became a Doula, and had the priceless opportunity to serve 4 beautiful women, and help 4 babies to be born into this world, including one of my best friends in the world. This was an incredible gift, and something I'm immeasurably proud of. It would be the year my husband and I reached the point of desperation in our personal lives and our marriage, and burst out of the Illinois rubble, moved to our new home, and began to rebuild all that we had lost after we moved to tend to my Mom and family. It would be the year I realized that my family was bullshit. That family is who you choose it to be, and has nothing to do with blood relation. It was hard, but letting go of the trust that a blood relation means anything was one of the most liberating things I have ever done for myself. If you are lucky enough to have blood related family members that also genuinely love and stand by you- thank them every day. I was not blessed with the same in my extended family. However my father and sister are incredible, and I love them more every day. I'm blessed to have a stronger bond than ever with both of them now that we've lost our most loved one together.
It can be hard to say goodbye to an age, a year or a season- even if it was a very hard one to live through. 29 was easily the worst year of my life, for many reasons, but somehow I still grieved for the last day of it yesterday.
But as I awoke today, with my dogs snuggled up on me, my husband holding my hand, warm in our bed in our lovely home in a beautiful state with natural beauty surrounding us, and my horses outside... I just thought one thing. Thank you. Thank you, 29 for being so hard and for testing my limits of mental survival. I'm grateful for the loss, for the pain, for the tears, and for the months I screamed and begged God for answers... I'm grateful because as that year came to a close, it was so simple to see how good my life was after it all and in that moment. The release of that year gave way to so much gratitude, and joy- I believe that is what life is all about. Pain in 100% necessary, because without it, how can you fully appreciate the moments without it? I'm not known as the most happy or positive person, but I can tell you, the joy I have each day, knowing I am far from the toxicity of Illinois and the majority of the people in it, and the joy in knowing that so much pain is behind me, is overwhelming. And the appreciation I have now for every blessing I have, and I have many, is like nothing I have ever experienced. Life is so good, if you let it be, but that goodness is amplified 1000 times after the pain. I am so glad I said goodbye to 2014, and 29... it's a bight new day, and although I could lose everything else tomorrow, today I have more than I could ask for. And it's beautiful. Hello 30.
