I have been married almost 3 months, and my husband and I are working through our first time of grief. I received notice that my Mother has been diagnosed with ALS, and is expected to be immobilized in a matter of years. Upon hearing this news, I completely fell apart into my husbands arms. My mother and I have had troubled early years and have worked through some very emotional times, but she is and will forever be a huge inspiration to me and a light in my life. It took over a month of dealing with this news and working it out in my brain, and I am only now functioning again like an active and productive wife. I had a moment of discouragement today as I realized that as soon as I had begun to heal, my husband had to have a moment for himself to deal with his own pain. I had needed so much love, support and encouragement that he had to be so strong for me that he could not manage to feel his own grief until I was finished.
In a moment of quiet in my home, I sat down to do a "devo" and opened the book of Job. I know this story well, as most "Christians" do, but today it rang so true in my heart and I knew how weak I had been for my husband, my Mother and my home. Obviously, yes, grieving is important and understood... but then there is also a time for strength, trust and hope. My mother has incredible faith and "knows where she is going" as she said when she told us the news. This, of course, did not soothe me in my own personal feeling of pain and loss. However, even though the grieving process is different for everyone, I know that my time is limited and I have to be strong. It may hurt, but I have always had pride in my ability to withstand the emotional pains in life, and trust God through all things. So this is that time- the time to trust, to stand with faith for my mother and my family and KNOW that God is there with us.
To be honest, I am not writing this to say anything except for that I know now that I desperately needed to move past my own feelings and trials. I am part of a team, and even if the world falls down around me, I need to tend to my husband and household first. Of course I will grieve throughout this painful process and even more one day when I lose my mother, but this sadness cannot overcome my marital duties. From physical love to dusting the house- I am a wife, and need to take care of my family first and without fail. The lesson of my selfishness in sadness is an interesting one to learn so early in marriage, and definitely not something that would have hit home as a single girl. When no one is counting on you, it's easy to wallow. However, I know now that no matter what, God wants me to remain strong, and defiant against weakness in loss for the betterment of my home, family and in the end, the world. I must continue to be a constant support and provider for my husband's personal needs because we, as wives, are a crucial ingredient in our husband's success in all things- including taking care of us.
In all of this, the pain has not gone away, but priorities have changed... and I am constantly amazed by the trials of life and how they are used for the ever evolving happenings of this earth and God's plan for it. It's so much bigger than my pain. I am but a speck in the universe.
