I apologize to you, blog, and dear reader, if there are any. I apologize that my creativity and passion has checked out for some time. I apologize for my crazy life and for my being so sad. I didn't mean to leave so abruptly...
More than that, after looking at my other blog posts, I realize how off topic I had become. This blog was supposed to be about marriage, uniqueness and life's honest issues. So, without any further ado- here we go again. I'll try to stay on topic, and I hope you won't be disappointed.
So, dear reader, stick with me as I sum up the last several months. Then we'll get to the good stuff.
The last we spoke, I was bitching about Christians. My Mother was still alive, and I was still deluding myself into thinking that I knew what I wanted in life. Well, this is the update. May 27, 2014, the day after my two year anniversary, my Mother passed away. I had been in NJ for several days for my nephew's briss, and I was anxious to get home to see my Mother, since she was near the end of her fight against ALS. We thought it would be a few weeks, but the day after we returned, two hours before I was due to see her, she passed away. I do not have words to describe the pain of this.
Along with the pain came a strange relief. It wasn't the relief most people talk about feeling- the "thank goodness I have my life back and I don't have to take care of a dying person anymore". My Mother was the one person, ever, that I have been afraid of disappointing. I was always afraid of disappointing my Mother until the day she died. Well as she passed, so did that fear. I suddenly felt free to live my life the way I wanted to.
Her funeral was a few days later, and due to the fact that a few weeks earlier, some members of my family had launched an all out attack on me, it was an incredibly awkward time. I successfully mourned my Mother will all I had in me, and shortly after the funeral was over, I began to feel healing. My amazing husband took such good care of myself and my family, and I don't know how I would have made it through without him. He helped us stay focused, stay as close as we could and helped us to begin to heal. He was a saint.
I continued to mourn and heal in my own way, and I continued to try to keep my wits about me. However, I started to feel a shift. A shift that was slightly uncomfortable. That was the shift of feeling that my marriage was not where it needed to be. It started small, and I thought it was just simple grief. I thought that perhaps I was confused, or that I was bored. We began to fight, or just have squabbles. It was more than I was comfortable with and it made me feel like a horribly unsuccessful wife. I began to feel my husband's discontent and it was clear he was running out of patience with the situation. To be clear, we have always been best friends, so we did talk about things and we were honest and clear with one another. However, the question lingered- were we happy together? Was this working? As much as we had made it through together... it seemed that we both felt something was missing.
We mutually decided to take separate trips. I decided to go to Italy for two weeks and he would go to Glacier National Park to backpack for a week, much to the dismay of most of the people in our lives, especially married people. We both needed to find ourselves again, as it seemed we had perhaps lost sight of who we were throughout the last two years of marriage and severe grief. I can wholeheartedly say that I do believe a part of ones self is sacrificed in marriage, and it can be lost forever if you do not hold it close, and protect it. For me, this was my sexuality, and my love for life and myself. I'm not sure why marriage affected me this way, but it did... absolutely.
So, off I went to Italy. As soon as I arrived I felt that familiar wave of passion and love for life and self that I used to know so well. I felt the bliss and joy that comes from independence, and freedom to act however one feels is true to them. Over the two weeks I met amazing people, and I met new parts of myself. I fell back in love with who I am, and feared returning to the life I had created. I had experiences I'll never forget, and I realized that my sexuality requires freedom to continue to live.
My husband's experience is for him to discuss, but through his trip he learned that he did like me (which seems like it should be a given, but if more married people are honest with others, they might say this is not always clear), and he wanted to be with me.
I can honestly say that although I always loved and will always love him, and I do sincerely like him, I did not know how to feel about my marriage. There had been SO, SO much grief, and so many troubles, and we had just been clinging to survival. Illinois was a problem for us, and our life together, basically since month 2 of marriage, had been nothing but grief and hardships solely due to outside forces.
I also found that the loss I experienced, that loss of the most beloved person in my life- led me to feel a deep and undeniable disassociation from society and the people in my life. Even today, 4 months later, I struggle to feel connected at all, even to those who I love more than anyone alive. I experienced the worst thing, besides losing a child, that one can experience- and I don't fear anything anymore. That is, I don't fear anything except for living the rest of my life unhappily. Let's jump back to the fear of disappointing my mother. As she passed, and I had new experiences, I realized that I had so feared disappointing her with a divorce, or with sexual choices I might make. Those were the big doozies of disappointments for her. I'm sure many of you can understand this part.
Now I wonder: Am I a decent person? Am I a good wife? Am I able to love one man for the rest of my life? Am I able to remain sexually monogamous? More than anything, am I content? Am I capable of maintaining contentment in my current life situation? I have lost SO much of myself through the years, and although I don't know the answers to any of the questions, I do know one thing is true.
The life I have been told would make me happy since I was a little girl, the life I was told was "right" and "would be a blessing" has meant nothing but emptiness and confusion. It has been the opposite of what is true for me. It has set into motion a slow death of my wild spirit, and I only felt life again once I left this life for a time. As soon as I returned I felt the slow death again, and I wonder, why have I been lied to? Why has every choice I've made along lines of a traditional lifestyle only meant pain for me? Why is my husband discontent as well? Why are we left wanting when all we tried to do was live the life we were taught was right to live?
So now, with the absence of fear, and with these new questions and concerns, I find myself at a point of change in life. We don't know what this means for us personally or for our marriage, and we don't know what the next few years will look like for us. We know we love one another, we know we love ourselves, and we know that we need not fear disappointing anyone any more. We have the freedom to make our own decisions for our marriage- and so does everyone else. I never knew this before, but I know it now. I pass this good news onto you, whoever you are, if you're struggling with not being able to live a life you feel is true for you, for whatever reason. I hope you don't have to learn this lesson the way that I did, but I hope you soon feel the freedom I do. It's the first time of clarity I have felt in a long, long time.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The Greatest Gift
One day, we received a new and strange visitor... well, three in fact. Three young men, around 18-20 years of age knocked on our door, and we welcomed them in. They happened to be Mormon missionaries, and my husband, being the open minded person that he is, was very interested in speaking with them about their faith. Now, we were not planning on accepting the Mormon faith, but we love meeting new and different people, and they certainly were exactly that!
Over the next hour or two, we questioned, inquired and discussed and when they were preparing to leave, I mentioned that I was very interested in speaking to an educated Mormon woman about women's issues in the Mormon church. I have a basic background knowledge of Mormonism after being a pretty huge fan of Big Love, so I'm proud to say, I knew the questions to ask. They told me they'd look into it, and I figured my request would be forgotten as soon as it was asked, and did not think they took me seriously.
Well, after a second visit to discuss with Michael and I, they told me they believed they had found the perfect woman to bring to the next gathering. I was instantly excited about this, and we planned on a dinner at our house to discuss the questions that were plaguing me about their faith and church system.
So the evening of the dinner came, and I had devoted my day to creating the perfect scenario for the dinner so that these new strangers would be as comfortable as possible. When they arrived, we went to answer the door, and I can confidently say that as soon as this woman and I met, it was basically a 'love at first sight' friendship. I haven't connected that quickly with anyone in years, and we quickly jumped into relatively deep conversation that would take most people many meetings to become comfortable with. (Anyone who knows me even just a little knows that I love putting it all out on the table immediately, so if I ever find someone who will do the same, it is VERY refreshing.) I quickly realized that this woman was one of the strongest women I'd had the honor of meeting, and whose faith and marriage was the kind of strength that I dream of building for myself. We had so much in common as people, that our difference in faith really faded into the background, and in fact when we did discuss it, I found it to be different and beautiful- and something that I valued in her!
We have since then found even more that we connected about, and I can say confidently that I think I have found a new friend for life, which I know is so rare today. This new friendship, so open, honest and deep, was built upon differences, openness, understanding and the absence of fear and bigotry. It is a connection of acceptance, and has opened my eyes to the strangeness of religious pride, and fear of the unknown. I have known mainly only Christians in my lifetime, and I have a real bad taste in my mouth from my history with them. I know that this in itself is a form of bigotry, and I am working daily to re-evaluate my thoughts on it.
It does seem, however, that most people of any faith mainly enjoy being around people who are so much like them, that so many have a real fear of those that do not believe what they believe. I have been called out and shamed for having a difference in belief from fellow Christians so many times that, at this point, I have stopped telling people I am a Christian. I just do not want to be thought of as a part of that group, due to my personal experiences of them, and the experiences of others as well.
My fascination and love for difference has opened my eyes to the absolutely strange and curious issue of religious hate, war and crime... why do these issues live on, just because of a difference in faith or lifestyle? It is a story as old as time: People fighting and dying for their faith, and inflicting pain or abuse on others for simply being different. The story, although time tested, is empty, and without reason, and I do believe that the key to 'peace on earth' is not God, but people... if we would all drop our mission to speak out against other beliefs and to open our minds to the beauty of what others hold dear, we may find a true, deep and profound joy in life that is based on truly loving people, and what they believe, no matter how different they may be from us. There is nothing to fear in any other faiths, no matter what our government or church may tell us, and religious intolerance and animosity are the enemies of understanding and peace. We have got to start speaking out when someone mutters about "Muslim bombings", or when someone may talk about a "Mormon or Jehovah's witness being in a cult"... this sort of speak breeds fear, intolerance and ignorance, and although I do believe some people in certain faiths may act in unhealthy ways, that is just people- it has nothing to do with their faith.
Get to know any person behind any faith, and if you really listen to their experiences, truths and humanity, they may just sweep you off your feet. It happened to me, and now I would never wish for a life without her! I'll never pretend to understand why someone would only want people around them who believe what the believe, who think what they think, and who rarely challenge them to grow and see things differently. Especially concerning Christians: this is not what Jesus taught, and it's certainly not how He lived... let's begin welcoming change and evolution of faith that will bring us closer to everyone around us. I believe that the title of this post applies to one simple fact: The Greatest Gift God has given us is our differences, and the growth and beauty that can come from accepting and loving those differences is extraordinary. If you can grasp this concept, I do believe you will find not only some fantastic new friends, but a new love for the things that throughout time have caused war and hate... and this is simply a miracle. One step for our personal happiness, and one giant leap for the peace of mankind.
Over the next hour or two, we questioned, inquired and discussed and when they were preparing to leave, I mentioned that I was very interested in speaking to an educated Mormon woman about women's issues in the Mormon church. I have a basic background knowledge of Mormonism after being a pretty huge fan of Big Love, so I'm proud to say, I knew the questions to ask. They told me they'd look into it, and I figured my request would be forgotten as soon as it was asked, and did not think they took me seriously.
Well, after a second visit to discuss with Michael and I, they told me they believed they had found the perfect woman to bring to the next gathering. I was instantly excited about this, and we planned on a dinner at our house to discuss the questions that were plaguing me about their faith and church system.
So the evening of the dinner came, and I had devoted my day to creating the perfect scenario for the dinner so that these new strangers would be as comfortable as possible. When they arrived, we went to answer the door, and I can confidently say that as soon as this woman and I met, it was basically a 'love at first sight' friendship. I haven't connected that quickly with anyone in years, and we quickly jumped into relatively deep conversation that would take most people many meetings to become comfortable with. (Anyone who knows me even just a little knows that I love putting it all out on the table immediately, so if I ever find someone who will do the same, it is VERY refreshing.) I quickly realized that this woman was one of the strongest women I'd had the honor of meeting, and whose faith and marriage was the kind of strength that I dream of building for myself. We had so much in common as people, that our difference in faith really faded into the background, and in fact when we did discuss it, I found it to be different and beautiful- and something that I valued in her!
We have since then found even more that we connected about, and I can say confidently that I think I have found a new friend for life, which I know is so rare today. This new friendship, so open, honest and deep, was built upon differences, openness, understanding and the absence of fear and bigotry. It is a connection of acceptance, and has opened my eyes to the strangeness of religious pride, and fear of the unknown. I have known mainly only Christians in my lifetime, and I have a real bad taste in my mouth from my history with them. I know that this in itself is a form of bigotry, and I am working daily to re-evaluate my thoughts on it.
It does seem, however, that most people of any faith mainly enjoy being around people who are so much like them, that so many have a real fear of those that do not believe what they believe. I have been called out and shamed for having a difference in belief from fellow Christians so many times that, at this point, I have stopped telling people I am a Christian. I just do not want to be thought of as a part of that group, due to my personal experiences of them, and the experiences of others as well.
My fascination and love for difference has opened my eyes to the absolutely strange and curious issue of religious hate, war and crime... why do these issues live on, just because of a difference in faith or lifestyle? It is a story as old as time: People fighting and dying for their faith, and inflicting pain or abuse on others for simply being different. The story, although time tested, is empty, and without reason, and I do believe that the key to 'peace on earth' is not God, but people... if we would all drop our mission to speak out against other beliefs and to open our minds to the beauty of what others hold dear, we may find a true, deep and profound joy in life that is based on truly loving people, and what they believe, no matter how different they may be from us. There is nothing to fear in any other faiths, no matter what our government or church may tell us, and religious intolerance and animosity are the enemies of understanding and peace. We have got to start speaking out when someone mutters about "Muslim bombings", or when someone may talk about a "Mormon or Jehovah's witness being in a cult"... this sort of speak breeds fear, intolerance and ignorance, and although I do believe some people in certain faiths may act in unhealthy ways, that is just people- it has nothing to do with their faith.
Get to know any person behind any faith, and if you really listen to their experiences, truths and humanity, they may just sweep you off your feet. It happened to me, and now I would never wish for a life without her! I'll never pretend to understand why someone would only want people around them who believe what the believe, who think what they think, and who rarely challenge them to grow and see things differently. Especially concerning Christians: this is not what Jesus taught, and it's certainly not how He lived... let's begin welcoming change and evolution of faith that will bring us closer to everyone around us. I believe that the title of this post applies to one simple fact: The Greatest Gift God has given us is our differences, and the growth and beauty that can come from accepting and loving those differences is extraordinary. If you can grasp this concept, I do believe you will find not only some fantastic new friends, but a new love for the things that throughout time have caused war and hate... and this is simply a miracle. One step for our personal happiness, and one giant leap for the peace of mankind.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
To be, or not to be... (who you really are)
I ponder "identity" fairly often. I think about my own identity, what it means to me, and what it may mean to other people in my life. What is it that distinguishes me, and who am I at my core? As for myself, and anyone who knows me well knows this is true... I am who I am, and I will not change to please anyone or put forward a facade. My identity is truth, and reality, and the understanding that no amount of dishonesty about who someone is will make them anything but what they really are.
What does this mean to someone of faith? I hear all the time, "my identity is in Christ", but I think that's a cop out. Even Christ had an identity, and it was different than His Father's. I have always been intrigued by the world of "religion" or even "society" and the amount of people who put on a shiny smile and act like everything is perfect in their lives. No matter who you are, and no matter what is going on in your life- you know struggle and pain is real, but somehow some people can never manage to open their mouths and tell the truth when someone asks, "how are you?"
So, how are you? No, really... how are YOU? Are you really doing okay when you are struggling with being a single parent or a parent of 2+ kids? Are you really doing okay when you're losing or have lost a loved one? Are you really doing okay when you and your spouse are struggling with your marriage or haven't had success in intimacy? Are you really doing okay when you're just an average person with average life issues? I try everyday to hold to my own identity and have genuine concern and understanding for those who would answer "no" to those questions. I am no better than those people and when life is good for me, I know it's only a matter of time before hard times come again, and when that happens- I'll be honest about it with those who ask.
The same goes for WHO you are. Are you free to live an honest life in your community, or are you just living the life that is expected of you? God gave each of us a specific and very individual personality and identity... so why do you all act the same? The hard truth is that not everyone will like who you are, but isn't that wonderful?! If you are true to yourself, and free to express that openly, you will surely find that the people who do not truly accept you will just fade away. The beautiful thing is that when you can achieve true love for who you are, and can live that freely, those left in your life will be people who will completely love, support and value you for everything that you are.
I was blessed enough to find a partner in life who does know exactly who I am and loves me, flaws and all, but I also have a number non-marital soul mates who help me to keep my belief that people can love each other without judgement or harsh expectation. The truly frightening thought is that after 10+ years in the Church and involvement with the Christian community, I have walked away with an unbiased understanding of the facade that is put forth everyday by so many of those who are an integral part of the church. The discouragement of being who you really are, if it does not fit the mold for the "good Christian person" is simply wrong and the opposite of who Christ is. True peace, which all Christians say they have, is found in living an honest life that is expressive of who God created you to be- not just playing the part of the perfect Christian husband, wife, son, daughter, pastor, teacher, or believer! So I want to encourage you, reader, to live YOUR life, and to act like the incredible, unique and wondrous individual that God created you to be. Be prepared to leave those behind who will not accept you for being different, and likewise, prepare just the same for the tremendous blessings that you will find when you love who you are, and expose the world to your true identity. To be or not to be (who you really are)... I think the answer is clear..
What does this mean to someone of faith? I hear all the time, "my identity is in Christ", but I think that's a cop out. Even Christ had an identity, and it was different than His Father's. I have always been intrigued by the world of "religion" or even "society" and the amount of people who put on a shiny smile and act like everything is perfect in their lives. No matter who you are, and no matter what is going on in your life- you know struggle and pain is real, but somehow some people can never manage to open their mouths and tell the truth when someone asks, "how are you?"
So, how are you? No, really... how are YOU? Are you really doing okay when you are struggling with being a single parent or a parent of 2+ kids? Are you really doing okay when you're losing or have lost a loved one? Are you really doing okay when you and your spouse are struggling with your marriage or haven't had success in intimacy? Are you really doing okay when you're just an average person with average life issues? I try everyday to hold to my own identity and have genuine concern and understanding for those who would answer "no" to those questions. I am no better than those people and when life is good for me, I know it's only a matter of time before hard times come again, and when that happens- I'll be honest about it with those who ask.
The same goes for WHO you are. Are you free to live an honest life in your community, or are you just living the life that is expected of you? God gave each of us a specific and very individual personality and identity... so why do you all act the same? The hard truth is that not everyone will like who you are, but isn't that wonderful?! If you are true to yourself, and free to express that openly, you will surely find that the people who do not truly accept you will just fade away. The beautiful thing is that when you can achieve true love for who you are, and can live that freely, those left in your life will be people who will completely love, support and value you for everything that you are.
I was blessed enough to find a partner in life who does know exactly who I am and loves me, flaws and all, but I also have a number non-marital soul mates who help me to keep my belief that people can love each other without judgement or harsh expectation. The truly frightening thought is that after 10+ years in the Church and involvement with the Christian community, I have walked away with an unbiased understanding of the facade that is put forth everyday by so many of those who are an integral part of the church. The discouragement of being who you really are, if it does not fit the mold for the "good Christian person" is simply wrong and the opposite of who Christ is. True peace, which all Christians say they have, is found in living an honest life that is expressive of who God created you to be- not just playing the part of the perfect Christian husband, wife, son, daughter, pastor, teacher, or believer! So I want to encourage you, reader, to live YOUR life, and to act like the incredible, unique and wondrous individual that God created you to be. Be prepared to leave those behind who will not accept you for being different, and likewise, prepare just the same for the tremendous blessings that you will find when you love who you are, and expose the world to your true identity. To be or not to be (who you really are)... I think the answer is clear..
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
The Lost Child and the Weeping Mother
I recently came upon a blog post written by a friend of mine. The gist was whether or not it is sensitive, or even good to express publicly or loudly, your joy of being pregnant. The concern, I believe we should all feel, to be sensitive to the issues of women in the context of motherhood is not only "nice" but it is absolutely necessary.
As soon as I log onto Facebook, I am bombarded by large bellies with happy looking women attached to them. They hold their tummies, and gaze with a happy, dreamy look on their faces... and every so often there's a nice big picture of their ultrasound as well. Now, there are plenty of reasons to do this very thing (which I'm sure any pregnant woman reading this has done). I can understand, the joy you must be feeling and the overwhelming urge to tell everyone you know, or don't know, about it. Especially if you are married, the wave of "Congratulations!" is instantly sent to you, and you must feel so good. With every post, you get another wave of well wishes, congrats and prayers. This is a "good thing" I believe, but the question is, should it be public?
An experience of miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility is by far, one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life. This is not a theory, this is fact. We were created to bear children, and a strong desire, or even need to do so has been planted in each of us, whether in a small dose or very large. If for some reason, we are incapable of this, or have lost a child, that need or desire does not go away. I speak from personal experience, as I lost my child years back to miscarriage after 2.5 months of pregnancy. I remember the instant overwhelming and dizzying joy of the news, and I still clearly remember that first day of singing to, dreaming of and talking to my tiny, unborn dear about how much I loved him or her. To any inexperienced onlooker, I was just "pregnant" with no signs of a child inside of me, and it really doesn't strike many people to consider the emotional bond that is formed upon the immediate realization of a child being inside of you. From that very moment on, I was a mother.
I also clearly remember the day I lost my child, and how much I died inside. I remember the pain that knocked me to my knees of something being torn out of me. It happened like a tidal wave, and instantly, everything had changed. In the bathroom, I discovered, I was no longer pregnant and held my child in my hands as I fell apart inside. I buried my child that day, and wept with everything I was.
I was not the same woman for a long time. A part of me had died, and to this day, I remember my child and every moment I had him or her with me. I don't remember a "fetus", and I don't remember a problem... I remember my baby.
I am now married to a wonderful man who helps me to look forward to our own children, and who in his love has helped to heal that hole inside of me that the death of my baby left. In this conservative world, in which I live, a pregnancy in marriage is far more accepted, congratulated and even valued than one that is out of wedlock. I know that if my husband and I are blessed with our own natural born children, then that will be wonderful- and if we aren't blessed with that, then we will be adopting children who have no other hope for a home (and sometimes that gives my heart more joy to dream about than my natural children).
If you are sitting there, reading this, with your own children around you, or one in your belly, I ask you to consider yourself an equal to any woman who has lost her child. Consider yourself, not "blessed" but part of a community of women. If you are in fact, a part of that community, do you really want to ignore the pain that surrounds so many women's experiences of their own pregnancy? Understanding and empathizing with the pain of another, should not at all decrease your own joy... so why turn a blind eye and remain ignorant and uncaring to the struggles of others?
When I tell someone about losing my child, on many occasions, they furrow their brows and say "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then without hesitating, they shift uncomfortably and change the topic. As much as pregnancy and childbirth are just a part of life- so is the loss that so many women experience.
On the topic of it being publicized- I have one question. Is it any personal accomplishment to become pregnant? Is it or is it not something that many many many people, including irresponsible adolescents, can make happen? Just a thought... your pregnancy is not special to anyone outside your intimate circle. Something I have learned in wedding planning: Your joyful time is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. In fact, very few people genuinely care. It it just a part of life, and although special to you, may bring intense pain to someone else, so is it 100% necessary to publicize? I waited a long time to marry my husband, and all the bragging posts about engagements after months of dating were not only a joke to me, but incredibly painful. Even though I am married now, the pain has not gone away now that all I see are pregnant women. It is only in the recent four decades that pregnancy is public and openly discussed, and I find it fascinating that now pregnancy is as outspoken as it is... this is very new and relatively nonsensical. Is it possible that we may be using social networking to the detriment of women dealing with heartache around us? In closing, all I ask is that if you are in the midst of your own joyful times, please consider the loss that so many people/women are experiencing but not able to express so openly. Your growing belly is wonderful for you, and also a dagger through so many weeping hearts. We want to sing and dance with you about your baby, but we also ask for understanding. That is what the community of women should be about. We should hold hands and dance together when a child is born, and also hold each other and weep together when a child is lost. In the memory of so many children who have died and the mothers who have buried them- freely celebrate your own joy but please remember what memories and losses may be reawakened every time you post it publicly.
As soon as I log onto Facebook, I am bombarded by large bellies with happy looking women attached to them. They hold their tummies, and gaze with a happy, dreamy look on their faces... and every so often there's a nice big picture of their ultrasound as well. Now, there are plenty of reasons to do this very thing (which I'm sure any pregnant woman reading this has done). I can understand, the joy you must be feeling and the overwhelming urge to tell everyone you know, or don't know, about it. Especially if you are married, the wave of "Congratulations!" is instantly sent to you, and you must feel so good. With every post, you get another wave of well wishes, congrats and prayers. This is a "good thing" I believe, but the question is, should it be public?
An experience of miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility is by far, one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life. This is not a theory, this is fact. We were created to bear children, and a strong desire, or even need to do so has been planted in each of us, whether in a small dose or very large. If for some reason, we are incapable of this, or have lost a child, that need or desire does not go away. I speak from personal experience, as I lost my child years back to miscarriage after 2.5 months of pregnancy. I remember the instant overwhelming and dizzying joy of the news, and I still clearly remember that first day of singing to, dreaming of and talking to my tiny, unborn dear about how much I loved him or her. To any inexperienced onlooker, I was just "pregnant" with no signs of a child inside of me, and it really doesn't strike many people to consider the emotional bond that is formed upon the immediate realization of a child being inside of you. From that very moment on, I was a mother.
I also clearly remember the day I lost my child, and how much I died inside. I remember the pain that knocked me to my knees of something being torn out of me. It happened like a tidal wave, and instantly, everything had changed. In the bathroom, I discovered, I was no longer pregnant and held my child in my hands as I fell apart inside. I buried my child that day, and wept with everything I was.
I was not the same woman for a long time. A part of me had died, and to this day, I remember my child and every moment I had him or her with me. I don't remember a "fetus", and I don't remember a problem... I remember my baby.
I am now married to a wonderful man who helps me to look forward to our own children, and who in his love has helped to heal that hole inside of me that the death of my baby left. In this conservative world, in which I live, a pregnancy in marriage is far more accepted, congratulated and even valued than one that is out of wedlock. I know that if my husband and I are blessed with our own natural born children, then that will be wonderful- and if we aren't blessed with that, then we will be adopting children who have no other hope for a home (and sometimes that gives my heart more joy to dream about than my natural children).
If you are sitting there, reading this, with your own children around you, or one in your belly, I ask you to consider yourself an equal to any woman who has lost her child. Consider yourself, not "blessed" but part of a community of women. If you are in fact, a part of that community, do you really want to ignore the pain that surrounds so many women's experiences of their own pregnancy? Understanding and empathizing with the pain of another, should not at all decrease your own joy... so why turn a blind eye and remain ignorant and uncaring to the struggles of others?
When I tell someone about losing my child, on many occasions, they furrow their brows and say "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then without hesitating, they shift uncomfortably and change the topic. As much as pregnancy and childbirth are just a part of life- so is the loss that so many women experience.
On the topic of it being publicized- I have one question. Is it any personal accomplishment to become pregnant? Is it or is it not something that many many many people, including irresponsible adolescents, can make happen? Just a thought... your pregnancy is not special to anyone outside your intimate circle. Something I have learned in wedding planning: Your joyful time is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. In fact, very few people genuinely care. It it just a part of life, and although special to you, may bring intense pain to someone else, so is it 100% necessary to publicize? I waited a long time to marry my husband, and all the bragging posts about engagements after months of dating were not only a joke to me, but incredibly painful. Even though I am married now, the pain has not gone away now that all I see are pregnant women. It is only in the recent four decades that pregnancy is public and openly discussed, and I find it fascinating that now pregnancy is as outspoken as it is... this is very new and relatively nonsensical. Is it possible that we may be using social networking to the detriment of women dealing with heartache around us? In closing, all I ask is that if you are in the midst of your own joyful times, please consider the loss that so many people/women are experiencing but not able to express so openly. Your growing belly is wonderful for you, and also a dagger through so many weeping hearts. We want to sing and dance with you about your baby, but we also ask for understanding. That is what the community of women should be about. We should hold hands and dance together when a child is born, and also hold each other and weep together when a child is lost. In the memory of so many children who have died and the mothers who have buried them- freely celebrate your own joy but please remember what memories and losses may be reawakened every time you post it publicly.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Grief in Marriage
I have been married almost 3 months, and my husband and I are working through our first time of grief. I received notice that my Mother has been diagnosed with ALS, and is expected to be immobilized in a matter of years. Upon hearing this news, I completely fell apart into my husbands arms. My mother and I have had troubled early years and have worked through some very emotional times, but she is and will forever be a huge inspiration to me and a light in my life. It took over a month of dealing with this news and working it out in my brain, and I am only now functioning again like an active and productive wife. I had a moment of discouragement today as I realized that as soon as I had begun to heal, my husband had to have a moment for himself to deal with his own pain. I had needed so much love, support and encouragement that he had to be so strong for me that he could not manage to feel his own grief until I was finished.
In a moment of quiet in my home, I sat down to do a "devo" and opened the book of Job. I know this story well, as most "Christians" do, but today it rang so true in my heart and I knew how weak I had been for my husband, my Mother and my home. Obviously, yes, grieving is important and understood... but then there is also a time for strength, trust and hope. My mother has incredible faith and "knows where she is going" as she said when she told us the news. This, of course, did not soothe me in my own personal feeling of pain and loss. However, even though the grieving process is different for everyone, I know that my time is limited and I have to be strong. It may hurt, but I have always had pride in my ability to withstand the emotional pains in life, and trust God through all things. So this is that time- the time to trust, to stand with faith for my mother and my family and KNOW that God is there with us.
To be honest, I am not writing this to say anything except for that I know now that I desperately needed to move past my own feelings and trials. I am part of a team, and even if the world falls down around me, I need to tend to my husband and household first. Of course I will grieve throughout this painful process and even more one day when I lose my mother, but this sadness cannot overcome my marital duties. From physical love to dusting the house- I am a wife, and need to take care of my family first and without fail. The lesson of my selfishness in sadness is an interesting one to learn so early in marriage, and definitely not something that would have hit home as a single girl. When no one is counting on you, it's easy to wallow. However, I know now that no matter what, God wants me to remain strong, and defiant against weakness in loss for the betterment of my home, family and in the end, the world. I must continue to be a constant support and provider for my husband's personal needs because we, as wives, are a crucial ingredient in our husband's success in all things- including taking care of us.
In all of this, the pain has not gone away, but priorities have changed... and I am constantly amazed by the trials of life and how they are used for the ever evolving happenings of this earth and God's plan for it. It's so much bigger than my pain. I am but a speck in the universe.
In a moment of quiet in my home, I sat down to do a "devo" and opened the book of Job. I know this story well, as most "Christians" do, but today it rang so true in my heart and I knew how weak I had been for my husband, my Mother and my home. Obviously, yes, grieving is important and understood... but then there is also a time for strength, trust and hope. My mother has incredible faith and "knows where she is going" as she said when she told us the news. This, of course, did not soothe me in my own personal feeling of pain and loss. However, even though the grieving process is different for everyone, I know that my time is limited and I have to be strong. It may hurt, but I have always had pride in my ability to withstand the emotional pains in life, and trust God through all things. So this is that time- the time to trust, to stand with faith for my mother and my family and KNOW that God is there with us.
To be honest, I am not writing this to say anything except for that I know now that I desperately needed to move past my own feelings and trials. I am part of a team, and even if the world falls down around me, I need to tend to my husband and household first. Of course I will grieve throughout this painful process and even more one day when I lose my mother, but this sadness cannot overcome my marital duties. From physical love to dusting the house- I am a wife, and need to take care of my family first and without fail. The lesson of my selfishness in sadness is an interesting one to learn so early in marriage, and definitely not something that would have hit home as a single girl. When no one is counting on you, it's easy to wallow. However, I know now that no matter what, God wants me to remain strong, and defiant against weakness in loss for the betterment of my home, family and in the end, the world. I must continue to be a constant support and provider for my husband's personal needs because we, as wives, are a crucial ingredient in our husband's success in all things- including taking care of us.
In all of this, the pain has not gone away, but priorities have changed... and I am constantly amazed by the trials of life and how they are used for the ever evolving happenings of this earth and God's plan for it. It's so much bigger than my pain. I am but a speck in the universe.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
"We'll see how long that lasts"
I have been married to my husband for almost a month and a half, and life is blissful. Now, I am fully aware that we are newlyweds and to feel infatuated with one another is natural and healthy... and most, if not all couples feel it for the first year or so of marriage. I am also aware that the expectation of the first year of marriage is that it's hard- riddled with arguments about the toilet seat or laundry being put in the wrong place. I have heard women complain about everything from eating habits to the toothpaste being an issue, and quite frankly when I hear someone tell me that the first month of marriage is challenging- I can't help but laugh now. I know that a month and a half isn't a long time, but I am saying... so far, I don't know why you ladies complain so early! My husband surely is not the most clean nor organized person in the world, and the fact that he slurps almost 80% of what he eats, no matter what it is, certainly is not pleasant.
Now, the point of this post is not to blather on about how happy I am with being married... but the point is to advise anyone who has said the words in this title about or to a newlywed couple to shut the <beep> up. Let me explain. When someone asks me the common question of "how's married life?"- I am starting to believe they may just want to hear me bitch and moan rather than exclaim with joy. The reason for this being that when I respond to this inquiry with "Wow- life is awesome, and marriage couldn't be more wonderful for us. I love cooking every meal for him, and seeing him every single night- we do everything together and I love him more now than the day we got married!" The response has been on several occasions..."Hm, well we'll see how long that lasts." This has come from family, friends and Christians, so their negativity absolutely baffles me and leaves me wondering- would you rather I respond with "egh, it sucks and we're so unhappy"? Do you wish we didn't get married? Do you hope we don't work out? That's the only thing I can come away with if you respond in this manner.
Again, let me state- I AM AWARE that the newlywed glow wears off. However, since I hold myself to my own personal standards of Stepford wife behavior- I will continue to live my daily life in sincere devotion to my husband, and my household. Marriage is a commitment, and I understand that it does not matter if I don't want to clean the dishes, and it does not matter if I merely don't want to have sex- it is necessary for the good of the relationship to uphold my own personal responsibilities in this marriage. I will get up with my husband every morning, and make him breakfast. I will make sure he is provided with food for his day at work, and I tell him every morning before he leaves that I love him and he's the most important thing in my life. Then I will make dinner for us, every night, and make sure he is relaxed with a drink of choice in hand. I will make love to my husband as often as possible and always hold close the understanding I have and teach- that a man's sexuality is closely tied to his relationship with his wife and the best way to make a man feel like a man is to physically rock his world. I certainly do not do these things for any reason except for the health and joy of my marriage. Therefore, I will continue without fail to live life in this way because it was a vow, and a promise, and it does not matter if I "feel like it".
The newlywed glow will not affect the amount of devotion I show to my husband, so I surely do not understand why these people think it will "wear off"? With divorce being such an overwhelming inevitability for 50% of marriages today, my advice to anyone who says they believe in a Christian marriage is: Stop the negativity, have faith in love, and instead of responding with this statement, be prepared to encourage and support, and possibly even learn a few lessons from said couple.
Simply put, if you are not prepared to share in the joy- do us a favor and do not inquire at all.
Now, the point of this post is not to blather on about how happy I am with being married... but the point is to advise anyone who has said the words in this title about or to a newlywed couple to shut the <beep> up. Let me explain. When someone asks me the common question of "how's married life?"- I am starting to believe they may just want to hear me bitch and moan rather than exclaim with joy. The reason for this being that when I respond to this inquiry with "Wow- life is awesome, and marriage couldn't be more wonderful for us. I love cooking every meal for him, and seeing him every single night- we do everything together and I love him more now than the day we got married!" The response has been on several occasions..."Hm, well we'll see how long that lasts." This has come from family, friends and Christians, so their negativity absolutely baffles me and leaves me wondering- would you rather I respond with "egh, it sucks and we're so unhappy"? Do you wish we didn't get married? Do you hope we don't work out? That's the only thing I can come away with if you respond in this manner.
Again, let me state- I AM AWARE that the newlywed glow wears off. However, since I hold myself to my own personal standards of Stepford wife behavior- I will continue to live my daily life in sincere devotion to my husband, and my household. Marriage is a commitment, and I understand that it does not matter if I don't want to clean the dishes, and it does not matter if I merely don't want to have sex- it is necessary for the good of the relationship to uphold my own personal responsibilities in this marriage. I will get up with my husband every morning, and make him breakfast. I will make sure he is provided with food for his day at work, and I tell him every morning before he leaves that I love him and he's the most important thing in my life. Then I will make dinner for us, every night, and make sure he is relaxed with a drink of choice in hand. I will make love to my husband as often as possible and always hold close the understanding I have and teach- that a man's sexuality is closely tied to his relationship with his wife and the best way to make a man feel like a man is to physically rock his world. I certainly do not do these things for any reason except for the health and joy of my marriage. Therefore, I will continue without fail to live life in this way because it was a vow, and a promise, and it does not matter if I "feel like it".
The newlywed glow will not affect the amount of devotion I show to my husband, so I surely do not understand why these people think it will "wear off"? With divorce being such an overwhelming inevitability for 50% of marriages today, my advice to anyone who says they believe in a Christian marriage is: Stop the negativity, have faith in love, and instead of responding with this statement, be prepared to encourage and support, and possibly even learn a few lessons from said couple.
Simply put, if you are not prepared to share in the joy- do us a favor and do not inquire at all.
Friday, July 6, 2012
The First Post: The Writer
I have never blogged before. I have never considered any of my experiences worthy of a blog to make them public. Quite frankly, I am considered by all who know me to be a very outspoken, blunt woman, who freely states what is on her mind. I am not particularly considerate if people are offended by me, and I consistently and brazenly stand for what I believe is correct, and right.
My life has been freely lived, with no regrets and nothing to hold me back. My experiences overwhelm me when I look back at them, and somehow at age 27, I feel ready to die. This is not to say that I WANT to die... on the contrary, I love life. This is only to say, that at a "young age", I have experienced all that I had on my "bucket list", if you will. I have been told, "Your life is like a movie!" and "You need to write a book" when people hear of the life I've lived. So why, with this notoriously exciting life, am I only starting a blog now?
On May 26th, 2012, I married my husband. A little over one month into marriage, I now realize how little I know, and how many more experiences are to come. So much about my relationship has changed everything in my life, and so much about me. The only things that have not changed are my sexuality, my passion, and my honesty.
For this reason, I stick out like a sore thumb in my community- that being, the traditional christian community. I am talking about the place where sex is a taboo subject, where people act much differently than they think, and the only thing that matters in life is getting married. I, on the other hand, will happily talk about sex with an open mind and welcome all thoughts and questions. You will NEVER not know how I feel about you, because I will tell you to your face. Not to mention, I certainly believe there are countless things that mean more than just being married. This obviously is not the case for the rest of this community, where it is encouraged for a girl especially to be married at any age, just as long as it's before they fall into sin with each other. Please forgive my personal frustrations with organized religion and the posers that surround me- and bear with me in future posts where this may be expressed further.
This blog is intended to reach women of all kinds, with a healthy dose of bluntness. I wish you to know, there is a woman here who wants to talk honestly about everything from being a woman, to a wife and eventually, a mother. It's rare that I see wives really talk about anything beside the niceties, and life is full of shit- so why are we not consoling each other through it? Instead it is pushed under the rug, and a smile is slapped on our face. No more. I am putting it out into the open. If you find offense with this, I hope to high heaven you don't read further posts.
In Conclusion: I have named this blog SurlyStepford because as a wife, I hold closely to the 50's standards of women. I believe my personal job is to tend to my man, and my household. I am an accomplished woman, with a full array of life experiences under my belt, a healthy social life, and a company that I founded two years ago and currently run. However, now that I am a wife, my first priority is my husband's happiness and the second is a clean house. As for sexuality, my body belongs to my husband and sex is never taboo. I will always grow in my sexual knowledge and the word "no" is not to be said to him.
On the flip side, I have not lost my Surly manner of thinking and speaking... therefore- SurlyStepford is meant to be a candid, open and honest expression of the joy and pain in marriage and womanhood. Do not expect Christian judgement, sugar-coating, or editing of any kind. I am here to speak my personal truth and experience, and hope very much someone will find comfort through it. That is all I ever wanted.
My life has been freely lived, with no regrets and nothing to hold me back. My experiences overwhelm me when I look back at them, and somehow at age 27, I feel ready to die. This is not to say that I WANT to die... on the contrary, I love life. This is only to say, that at a "young age", I have experienced all that I had on my "bucket list", if you will. I have been told, "Your life is like a movie!" and "You need to write a book" when people hear of the life I've lived. So why, with this notoriously exciting life, am I only starting a blog now?
On May 26th, 2012, I married my husband. A little over one month into marriage, I now realize how little I know, and how many more experiences are to come. So much about my relationship has changed everything in my life, and so much about me. The only things that have not changed are my sexuality, my passion, and my honesty.
For this reason, I stick out like a sore thumb in my community- that being, the traditional christian community. I am talking about the place where sex is a taboo subject, where people act much differently than they think, and the only thing that matters in life is getting married. I, on the other hand, will happily talk about sex with an open mind and welcome all thoughts and questions. You will NEVER not know how I feel about you, because I will tell you to your face. Not to mention, I certainly believe there are countless things that mean more than just being married. This obviously is not the case for the rest of this community, where it is encouraged for a girl especially to be married at any age, just as long as it's before they fall into sin with each other. Please forgive my personal frustrations with organized religion and the posers that surround me- and bear with me in future posts where this may be expressed further.
This blog is intended to reach women of all kinds, with a healthy dose of bluntness. I wish you to know, there is a woman here who wants to talk honestly about everything from being a woman, to a wife and eventually, a mother. It's rare that I see wives really talk about anything beside the niceties, and life is full of shit- so why are we not consoling each other through it? Instead it is pushed under the rug, and a smile is slapped on our face. No more. I am putting it out into the open. If you find offense with this, I hope to high heaven you don't read further posts.
In Conclusion: I have named this blog SurlyStepford because as a wife, I hold closely to the 50's standards of women. I believe my personal job is to tend to my man, and my household. I am an accomplished woman, with a full array of life experiences under my belt, a healthy social life, and a company that I founded two years ago and currently run. However, now that I am a wife, my first priority is my husband's happiness and the second is a clean house. As for sexuality, my body belongs to my husband and sex is never taboo. I will always grow in my sexual knowledge and the word "no" is not to be said to him.
On the flip side, I have not lost my Surly manner of thinking and speaking... therefore- SurlyStepford is meant to be a candid, open and honest expression of the joy and pain in marriage and womanhood. Do not expect Christian judgement, sugar-coating, or editing of any kind. I am here to speak my personal truth and experience, and hope very much someone will find comfort through it. That is all I ever wanted.
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